Collection of Past Pain
12 August 2022, Versova Beach
The answer to all maladies is the sea.
I was despondent before I decided to pay the beach a visit. The waves were particularly strong. They lashed against the rocks. With difficulty, I prized my eyes off a kissing couple.
I dipped my feet in the water to distract myself.
And I forgot I was supposed to be despondent.
20 August 2022, Vijayanagar
Having trouble hitting writing deadlines because I’ve been consuming more than I have been creating.
I have been binging The Sopranos and Paatal Lok.
I was thinking about how to get myself back into the scheme of things and I remembered that, a couple of months ago, on a particularly difficult day, I decided to be kind to myself.
I deluded myself into thinking that the deadline (of writing 4 full scenes) didn’t exist. I told myself instead that the real task is to hit six one-hour sessions of writing. In return I gave myself the freedom to finish writing the four scenes only if I felt like it.
It had a definitive impact on my day. I managed to write my four scenes because I didn’t pressure myself.
22 September 2022, Versova
Today, before starting work, I want to say thank you to all the people who keep me alive – Shradha, Amma, Anna, Shoba, Ani, Sannu, Sharath, Pranav, Abhigyan and everyone else who has brought me so much joy.
I’m in a really dark place and I’m so grateful to my loved ones for giving me warmth to draw from.
Anyway, shall we start? You got this, bud. You possess insurmountable strength. Come on.
29 October 2022, Versova
I have been abusing my body. I have been drinking, smoking and killing myself cell by cell.
It’s the first time I’m showrunning a TV show. I feel I don’t match up. My indiscipline means I’m always playing catch up. I’m hitting deadlines but my poor work ethic is bound to have had some sort of impact.
I’m alone at home. It’s both lonely and liberating. I feel both self-destructive and freakishly motivated.
If I come into some money one day, I’d love to get my own office. One that I can spend all day in before going back home to be with Shrad.
However, consistency will be tough for me. I’ll have the office but I may not go everyday.
Holi 2023, Vijayanagar
Pain and agony. Nothing moves. Just procrastinating hard. Not an ounce of real work. Dreading sleep but not sleeping.
I will go to Amma. Sit with her. And heal.
12 June 2024, Versova
Those one-two hours in the day, when I’m writing, away from tech, just me, my pen and book, is what bliss feels like.
More that and less the uncertainty.
Please, God. This is an exhausting life otherwise.
31 July 2024, Versova
I am screwing up the most beautiful thing in my life and I have to stop myself before it all turns to ash.
11 August 2024, Vijayanagar
I can’t recollect where I am. I only know I’m in Blr and writing in Amma’s room.
Shradha is at Shobie’s.
I had forgotten how feeble I am. I had forgotten how much work there is for me to do.
The question is, is it too late for me?
I don’t want to think about that. I won’t allow myself to feel like a victim.
You are the son, brother and husband of wonderful people. Draw from them.
22 August 2024, Versova
I am certain that I am in a very dark place. I doubt I can sink lower than now.
God, if you’re listening, please help me. Please help me.
24 September 2024, Versova
I am unhappy with how little purpose I have. It is destroying my reason to live. In one year I vow to be on the other end of this spectrum.
18 October 2024, Versova
I am feeling so overwhelmed. I have taken on too much work and it’s scared me to the point of inaction.
I was looking at a scene of Alex today and it’s horseshit. Splatter splatter splatter.
30 September 2025, Versova
It’s just incredibly hard some days.
A Tamil song is playing. I want to be anywhere but here. I’d like to hear the waves. I want to feel the sun on my skin. I want to get a tan. I’d like a Breezer. I want to be a bum. I want to go in and out of the beach over and over.
Almost as if the universe heard me, the sun shone a little brighter just now. I’ve missed the sun.
I think I have seen more rain this year than I ever have in my life. Europe was rained out. Bombay had a record monsoon. It’s almost October but the rain hasn’t let up.
Kayla is distracting me. She’s cute. I’m wondering if she’s looking at me. And if she knows I’m looking at her. Oh, the unexpected perils of FocusMate.
Quick status check: Body is a little warmer. Mood is a little better. I might just be able to sail through.
Am I ready to start now? Yes. I will get one true sentence down. One.
7 October 2025, Vijayanagar
I thought I’ll turn in at 11 pm.
I edged for nearly an hour, browsed Instagram and just tossed and turned until I drifted off at 4 am.
I still haven’t received the feedback. The not knowing’s driving me nuts. I think it’s because I don’t respect their point of view. I harbour these notions that they have ulterior motives. That may or may not be true. But these thoughts are not helping.
I should get my own work done to distract myself from this weird pain.
This too shall pass. Anicca. Anicca.
28 October 2025, Versova
In less than a year, I’ll have to contribute not just to our relationship but also to the well-being of our child. I’ll have to rise to the occasion. Not simply lament fate.
Let’s not. Can you tell me what useful things we’ll do today?
Why don’t we make a doc with everything that we’ve written that we can possibly ship?
(I made it a year later.)
9 Jan 2026, Versova
I’m so scared. When I am thrust with something that looks hard, I feel like a little boy on a big bike. I feel like I’m riding it without knowing how. Everything’s wobbly. I’ll fall off any moment.
But what is the worst that will happen? Someone will say something unkind. Or someone will demand a change that I don’t agree to.
9 Feb 2026, Versova
I’ve not had the energy to write Manmani. I’m not happy.
I have to talk to Shradha about maybe going away for a bit.
Send this: Shradz, I think my tank is empty. I need to do around 2-3 weeks of travel. I think March is ideal. That will give me enough gas to collect some ideas, read, take my mind off of domesticity and then come back in time for the baby shower. I can also then invest fully in writing Manmani.
24 March 2026, a homestay in Kannur
OMG, what a night!
I had sea food in the afternoon, which I thoroughly enjoyed. I followed it up with a swim and a run on the beach.
I lay down and thought to myself, ‘something isn’t right.’ Then K called me to say that they’re having a baby girl.
I mustered appropriate levels of delight but it was clear to me that my stomach was not well.
To complicate things, it was dinnertime. A spoon of dal was all I could eat. I was in my room within minutes, feeling squeamish.
Then it started. I pooped first. I was sure the worst was over.
Minutes later, I was throwing my gut out.
My entire seafood lunch was swimming in the pot. My throat burned. Eyes seared. Lights dimmed.
Then another bout of loosies.
I crawled to my bed and promptly lost consciousness.
When I woke up, I had red bumps all over my arm.
Red ants!
I’d been bit the previous night too, but tonight I called the homestay owner Sanjeevan and begged him to save my life.
They served me curd rice and moved me to the opposite room. I ate it with trepidation.
But when I didn’t throw up, I cried happy tears
For my gut,
For strangers who forsook sleep to nurse me,
For gentle backwaters and unruly waves,
And for two hours of Instagram, whose cheap dope my body needed to heal.
At 3 am, I was so hungry, but I didn’t dare eat.
I fell asleep reading Easy Riders, Raging Bulls.
I didn’t write a word of Manmani. But I didn’t care.
I was alive.